Day 14 (Nov 19)

Today, we were taught Kumbhaka. I could not do that because I'm on my cycle but I did my Pranayamas and was given a chance to assist. I'm so glad I got to assist "real" people. C., O., and J. thought I looked like I was in my groove. I did once I got over my mental blocks on sweat and proximity. I got a smile (or was it a thumbs up?) from Paul. The thing is, I love teaching and learning. I love studying. I love the idea of learning from great teachers. I love the sweet tension of true loyalty and the honest inquiry that takes place between guru and student.

The thought of being a lifelong student, and karma-willing, a good teacher for subjects I love makes me happy. In my life, my dream has always been to Travel. Teach. Write. Someday, I will have shirts made with that written on the back, too.

I love our restorative yoga sessions, swaying trees, a strong but softer afternoon practice. I love the classes. Today was chakrasana, hip opening, half lotus; Sankhya, Gunas and more Sutras which I love. Sraddha virya smrti samadhi prajnapuvaka itaseram (1.20) Isvarapranidhanadva (1.21) Fully embracing. Complete surrender. I believe this. I also know they are not easy.

These days, too, I love listening to the iPod in the dining hall. It has a lot of the songs on my iPod...Sometimes, chill out grooves. Sometimes, my favorite songs. (Tonight, one after another, it's My sweet lord, the only living boy in new york, If I ever lose my faith in you, why should I cry for you. Hmmmm...Would you look at that.)

As much as I have so much love for this day (I walked really slowly towards the shala this morning, just loving every second of the morning), it's not all love today.

Things did not go well tonight in my cyber long distance relationship with A. It's all part of the meltdown. Sometimes, I want a nice online conversation over dinner that does not start with bills that need to be paid and errands I need to do remotely. I feel like I should stay in an ashram for a year without any Internet connection. It's difficult to have quarrels via post cards. I am so human.

What would Patanjali say? Let me get my workbook and randomly open to a page...

The S.I. Joints and Symphsis Pubis are designed to be slightly movable joints however; they are fused in most adults due to sedentary lifestyles

That can't be it. I'll try again.

According to Goraknath, the purpose is to reduce rajas, which leads to a peaceful citta and clarity

There you go. I was a bit too rajastic in that exchange. Sorry, Goraknath. Sorry, honey.

I should rest. I am in a strange mood.

Sometimes, I still feel like I am waiting to exhale. There's a voice in my head telling me to keep breathing. Keep breathing...

So I shall.