Day 11: These Dreams

Today, the dreams came marching in. It is always this way at this part of my journey. The dreams come in waves that leave me shaken. I woke up crying, remembering the harshness of being in that old world. The dream was soaked in tears.

As I remember the dream, I think of how silence and not being hurtful is a brave kind of kindness. The mind does not speak that language. It thrives on drama and perceives quietude and gentleness to be a sign of weakness. I can no longer stand melodrama, and strength, for me, means upholding compassion when it is most difficult to do so.

I had a second dream - the dream of failing - I had no tears but I had that familiar feeling.

So the dreams came marching in. On cue, they arrived before my Friday led practice. Despite the lack of sleep, I kept some lightness but felt seeped of strength at the tail end. After practice, I went with Karen to her home and immensely enjoyed our chat and her very tasty masala chai.

I had to go back to the shala for chanting but lost my way around Gokulam on foot for a good twenty minutes with my heavy mat and a bright sun. I walked aimlessly trying not to let the fear well up inside. I saw Saraswati's shala, a small Krishna temple, two main roads (could have been one), a few houses under construction...That was a fine time to not have a working phone and a local phone.

I asked five random Indian women but they might have been as good with directions as I am. I dared not speak with the men until I asked help from two more ladies who still did not know what to tell me. A big man in a motorcycle intervened. He was going to take me to the shala. I just needed to hop on. I was strangely calm for someone immensely distressed. I offered to follow him on foot. And we did that for a minute until he said this was not going to work. I prayed, hopped on and got to the shala, 15 minutes late for chanting. When I came in, I was so happy to see Gela I gave her my last piece of chocolate from the chocolate man (why I didn't find his store when I was lost is a mystery to me).

Of course I thanked God for sending Mr. Raj on a motorbike to bring me to the shala.

That afternoon, I got a local phone, paid Green Hotel a visit, had dinner at one of the hotels (I forget the name but I remember the nice Indian wedding setup), and checked out Fluid's DJ and dance scene and finally, caught up with sleep.

"To sleep perchance to dream." But this time, I didn't.