Healing through Writing

We communicate most beautifully during periods of great joy or grief. From Psalms to Songs to Odes to secret blogs, the eloquence of the human heart rises like smoke when it is celebrating or is singed and stinging. In writing about these peaks and valleys, we are healed, calmed, soothed and nurtured. Writing works like Prayer that way.

Writing heals because it releases and receives energy. It sends an imprint of that present moment to the Universe; an acknowledgement and cognition of feelings, a message of praise and gratitude, a myriad of pleas and searches for meaning. This acknowledgment is sifted through a creative process which is therapeutic and transformative.

I have written through some of the most difficult parts of my life, and in re-reading them, I realize they were the some of the most beautiful times, second to this moment. I felt alive; desperately, overwhelmingly, intensely alive, right before calming me down -- the storm before the calm, this time around.

A few excerpts from my journal in November 2002 (Mastectomy from Breast Cancer)...

Assymetry

What does it mean - losing one's symmetry?
Is beauty bipolar and balanced?
Never tipping to one side,
Never lopsided?


If symmetry is lost, will this beauty slide
to one side, shatter on the floor
and break?


The Latin Words Come to Me Now

The latin words come to me now.
Patior. Carpe Nocturn.
I seek for my ethymology.

Will I find my origin
in lexicon and language?
Or will words, in finding meaning
in me,
falter too?

In Situ

So this is what happens.
Along with my proud lineage
runs this venom
richly laid upon my breast.

I've seen it, thick and dense
and speckled on film.
I felt it in clock position
when the sun shines brightest
on everything...
but this.

It sits obediently in place,
this venom.
Growing patches from pain,
taking seed
While I contemplate on an antidote.

My venom richly laid in place
upon my breast
And in place of this breast -
my life.

I Shall Be Disfigured

I shall be disfigured
in stark white light
from the scars, from the battles
fought and won.

In broad daylight
this body will be old as this soul
unshattered, streaked,
broken, strong.

But at night,
unclothed by the starlit sky,
I shall be soft and incandescent -
sharpened edges smudged
in candlelight.

My silhouette shall glow
golden outlines slow moving
above and beneath your gaze
And you (I) will remember that I am
Still am
Who I was.

***

And the yogic thoughts of my "childhood"...

I Shall Speak For You

I shall speak for you.

You who sit
cross-legged, limb upon limb
On your lotus pad
Where thoughts once splayed
are now columned on your back,
unstrained,
bone upon bone
in a balancing act.

I shall see through eyes

Gazing, transcendent
at nothing-ness, half-closed
Or else
everything-ness, half-open.

I shall breath you in.

Petals of fingers,
Sepals of feet.
A bud of oval bliss
tucked beneath your thumbs,
points slightly touching,
begin to bloom
In you.

And having been in you,
In me.

----

And so now, 8 years later, I continue to write.

Pisces Dreaming

I have been thinking of my big dreams lately... as always - to travel. to teach. to write. 
There is a higher purpose requiring a much simpler life. 
This Piscean feels like a fish out of water and is dreaming of swimming away from the seemingly comfortable shore.

I guess the stars can hear my thoughts.


* * *

The Seed of Dreams
Pisces Daily Horoscope
You may feel intensely ambitious today and highly conscious of myriad opportunities presenting themselves. Unknowingly, you are likely attracting positive financial, professional, and personal prospects into your life. Because you may be feeling more secure and competent than usual, you may be inclined to explore your aspirations. You can make the most of your ambition by asking yourself what you truly want out of life. In doing so, you may discover that dreams you’ve ruminated upon that were once nebulous will now solidify and become attainable goals. Your focus may be particularly keen, and you may find it easy to tackle challenging tasks. Today can be a great day to draft a long-term, step-by-step plan that will help your transform your dreams into reality.

Your ambition can be the seed from which your dreams take shape and your goals blossom forth. Without ambition, there is little to motivate us to explore the world around us or to challenge ourselves. It is your ambition that drives you to seek to surpass your earlier efforts and accomplish more. Your innate need to achieve success empowers you to concentrate on your goals and gladly bear pain and distress when facing challenging situations. You’ll see your smallest achievements as progress instead of lambasting your inability to do more. You can clearly visualize what you want without getting lost in daydreams or sidetracked by pleasurable diversions. The ambition you feel today will inspire you to step onto the path of your dreams.

Oh Joy!

I loved my practice today, another practice of being in the moment with Govinda Kai. We will miss this Lunatic Monk for a few weeks. See you again, dear Govinda...

 Today, he spoke of Joyfulness and Gratitude and so we opened with a mantra for dear Krishna (who happens to also be called Govinda*)

OM Namo Bhagavate Vasudevaya

Prostrations to Lord God, Vasudeva

Bhagavan means Lord, referring to Vishnu. Vasudeva, meaning, “He Who abides in all things and in Whom all things abide,” is a name of Krishna. Krishna is one of the most loved of all deities. He is considered to be a world teacher for he is the source f the Bhagavad-Gita Gita, one of the most popular of all the Eastern religious texts. People are drawn to Krishna because of his playfulness and joyful nature.

Source: http://www.rudraksha-ratna.com/saguna_mantra.php

The whole purpose of yoga practice is to LOOK WITHIN, to know the essence of the self and be in the present.

It is not about changing yourself but being intimate with what is already there.

ULTIMATE JOY is its nature. There is no change that is needed.

UNCONDITIONAL JOY AND GRATITUDE is not dependent on any external condition, not subject to external modification.

The more we look inside, the more we are familiar with this sense of self.

Suffering happens when we "mis-identify" the source of ourselves, when we forget who we are.

How do we connect to that source from where all good things spring - real and everlasting love, kindness and compassion?
We know when we are in that place - where we sense timelessness (like looking into the eyes of your child...)

Yoga Practice provides the context for remembering that part of ourselves.

It is the mind that interferes - with its patterns and identification with form.

The forms we identify with are such a small part of who we are.

You are not who you think you are. You are not your name, age, or bank account.

When we express great love, courage, patience, we step out of our limits.

We must STOP IDENTIFYING WITH FORM.

There is a part of us that is transcendent, beyond form.

Begin to remember who you are, where you came from - then joy happens.

This is the nature of the self - Never taking anything seriously - it's all small stuff.

Nothing with form should upset us. Become aware when you identify with form and when you don't.

Nothing that comes from the mind, ego and personality can bring change.

The solution comes from a place with no form -love, forgiveness, kindness, understanding, acceptance

These are parts of you already. They are EXPRESSIONS of BEING.

(and with joyfulness and gratitude)

After the lecture, I somehow found myself in front of the yoga towel mats. I pulled one out and here's what I got. A sign of joyful events.

*According to the great wiki...(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Govinda)

• Govinda is a name of Krishna and also appears as the 187th and 539th names in the Vishnu Sahasranama, the 1000 names of Vishnu. [3]
• According to Adi Sankara's commentary on the Vishnu Sahasranama, translated by Swami Tapasyananda, Govinda has four meanings:[4]
• The sages call Krishna "Govinda" as He pervades all the worlds, giving them power.
• The Shanti Parva of the Mahabharata states that Vishnu restored the earth that had sunk into the netherword, or Patala, so all the devas praised Him as Govinda (Protector of the Land).
• Alternatively, it means "He who is known by Vedic words alone".
• In the Harivamsa, Indra praised Krishna for having attained loving leadership of the cows which Krishna tended as a cowherd, by saying, "So men too shall praise Him as Govinda." 
• Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, in his commentary on the Bhagavad-Gita, states that Govinda means "master of the senses".[5]

Cum Grano Salis

I listened to Richard Freeman after a long, hard day at work. I practiced despite the end of day ripples and I attempted to watch myself, to suck in the moment, to watch my mind and body react.

The thoughts that are projected towards me, the thoughts I have, these fluctuations have to be taken just as they are - or maybe, for a little bit of flavor, cum grano salis.

The Palace of Illusions

I finally finished reading The Palace of Illusions.  In this beautiful rewriting of an ancient and important tale, Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni liberates Panchaali and opens the Mahabharat to the female human heart. The prose/poetry shines as intricately as the "patina of magic" from which The Palace of Illusions is described. The book is full of deep human love - complex and secret, unfounded then found; full of loyalty and loss, vengeful and ultimately, forgiving. Drenched with vignettes of boons and curses and magic, the story is indeed the author's forte but it is unlike her other novels for the story is not fully her own, yet it is marvelously lent and in return, so richly rendered. The lessons from the sacred text are laced in the heady, gripping tale already foretold. The Palace of Illusions is dazzling and I am spinning back to the first page to once again relish the tale.

P.S. The Bhagavad Gita starts in Chapter 31 (Preparation).

-------------------------
From the back of the book...
http://www.chitradivakaruni.com/books/palace_of_illusions

Relevant to today’s war-torn world, The Palace of Illusions takes us back to the time of the Indian epic The Mahabharat—a time that is half-history, half-myth, and wholly magical. Through her narrator Panchaali, the wife of the legendary five Pandavas brothers, Divakaruni gives us a rare feminist interpretation of an epic story.
 The novel traces Panchaali’s life, beginning with her magical birth in fire as the daughter of a king before following her spirited balancing act as a woman with five husbands who have been cheated out of their father’s kingdom. Panchaali is swept into their quest to reclaim their birthright, remaining at the brothers’ sides through years of exile and a terrible civil war. Meanwhile, we never lose sight of her stratagems to take over control of her household from her mother-in-law, her complicated friendship with the enigmatic Krishna, or her secret attraction to the mysterious man who is her husband’s most dangerous enemy. Panchaali is a fiery female voice in a world of warriors, gods, and ever-manipulating hands of fate.

Clayton Horton Saturday

Good fun practice. :)

After Practice (and Birthday) Lunch @ People's Palace

Happy Birthday to me and Tesa (who happened to be wearing matching outfits that day!)

more photos

G is for Govinda, G is for Ganesha...

I took my birthday leave yesterday. Govinda is in town. Surprisingly, he spoke of Ganesha, the remover of obstacles, as the obstacle. Ganesha whose name is called in each new beginning or amidst obstacles. In this life, there are many, many seemingly painful obstacles.

The obstacle is as much part of the process as success. It has as much value as the fruit. It is when we are uncomfortable that we learn more deeply about life and ourselves
The mind ascribes value to a situation which is neutral.
There are two distinct parts of life: the pure and perfect and the impure, painful and troublesome. We are constantly healing, accumulating, learning and we are constantly dying, breaking down and coming apart.
We must accept these in every moment.
We must be able to be in a big rush and not be rushed at all. Both at the same time.
Nothing is ever just lost - anything given to you is a gift - more profound than you give it credit for.
Celebrate the obstacle.

Gam Ganapataye Namo Namah
Ganesha Nama Om...Ganesha Nama Om...Ganesha Nama Om
Jai Jai Ganesha

For you dear Govinda, new beginnings...

An Inner Choice: Peace

How wonderful to have this Daily Om message on my birthday... Om shanti...

March 17, 2010

An Inner Choice
Peace

There cannot be peace in the world until we have it in our own hearts and minds, our own families and neighborhoods.

Often we look at the outside world and find it in a state of seeming chaos or disorder. We feel compelled to transform the situation from one of turmoil into one of peace, yet we are often disappointed in our best attempts to do so. One reason for this is that we cannot bring to the world what we do not have to offer. Peace starts in our own minds and hearts, not outside of ourselves, and until its roots are firmly entrenched in our own selves, we cannot manifest it externally. Once we have found it within, we can share it with our family, our community, and the whole wide world. Some of us may already be doing just that, but for most of us, the first step is looking within and honestly evaluating the state of our own relationship to peacefulness.
Interestingly, people who manifest peace internally are not different from us; they have chattering thoughts and troubled emotions like we all do. The difference is that they do not lend their energy to them, so those thoughts and feelings can simply rise and fall like the waves of the ocean without disturbing the deeper waters of peacefulness within. We all have this ability to choose how we distribute our energy, and practice enables us to grow increasingly more serene as we choose the vibration of peace over the vibration of conflict. We begin to see our thoughts and feelings as tiny objects on the surface of our being that pose no threat to the deep interior stillness that is the source of peacefulness.

When we find that we are able to locate ourselves more and more in the deeper waters and less on the tumultuous surface of our being, we have discovered a lasting relationship with peace that will enable us to inspire peace beyond ourselves. Until then, we help the world most by practicing the art of choosing peace within.

http://www.dailyom.com/

One day before I...

turn another year older. Last year, my gift to myself was to go back to yoga after years of watching my life break, breaking it myself and finally rebuilding. It has been a beautiful year and it started with a beautiful gift. This year, I will re-wrap this precious gift and give it to myself again.

I practiced my last practice before my 32nd birthday.

FoodMatters

I found this draft entry from my YT days. It was for the night we watched a documentary on FoodMatters. Funny, 2 days ago I started taking sodium ascorbate (instead of ascorbic acid). The seeds have been planted well.

* * *
Film showing.

Go vegetarian and meditate.

You cannot heal selectively. When the body heals, it heals everything.

Boost health.

Take Vitamin C.

"Let thy Food be thy Medicine and thy Medicine be thy Food" - Hippocrates

http://www.foodmatters.tv/_webapp/View%20Film%20Online

Gratitude and Joy!

This is how I would like to characterize and reflect Life - with Gratitude and Joy. Gratitude is a wonderful gift to give to those who come our way, and Joy follows it quite naturally. Others may argue that Joy comes first, but to me, it seems to make more sense that the former is at least half a step ahead.

To live with both is truly how to live. I weave it in my moments, sometimes with ease, sometimes with more effort. My practice is the precise barometer that measures where I am...like tonight.

But enough of me. Dear GK is back in Manila!

Gratitude and Joy, indeed!

Catching Rays of Random Thoughts

I believe everything turns out to be perfectly orchestrated. In the midst of our destiny, we somehow manage to take the twists and turns into our own hands because we are gifted with an illusion of control, a leeway for choices - free will. We feel we have the capacity to make sense of the chaos but in truth, the chaos just shows that "Life is self-organizing" by design.

The art lies in understanding the timing, in drawing certain lines but knowing that they are never truly solid and defined, in recognizing the distinction of when to ride on the momentum of destiny or when to slow down and mitigate or soften the impact if fate is not in your favor. All the while reminding ourselves that we did not do the orchestration.

We can only really do so much. It is not all in our hands. Our will is so infinitisemally small compared to the grand design of the Creator.

We must use the gift of our small actions to manage the velocity of events in our lives but without worry because ultimately, the outcome is beyond our limited understanding. So we live and breathe and be. We understand our true purpose is to fully live, give, receive and return to Our Source. This is just a journey to understand that the destination is to go back Home. We are blessed with the gift of travelling through Life, a chance to navigate within and around us with abilities to feel, breathe in and love the moments as they are given.

Tweedle Numb (from my) Tweedle D...

I loved my practice this morning at Yoga Manila. I was running late for mysore though, and I had to cut my Savasana short because it was time for the next class so I did a few Sitali breaths in Padmasana.

A first this week was my hands touching down in Prasarita Padottanasana C. I was able to make it again today (thanks to Avril, last Tuesday and to Jon, today).

Another first is the numbness that enveloped my entire left arm as we were working on my Urdvha D. I still don't have the normal feeling in my entire left arm, down to the fingertips. I may have pinched a nerve somewhere. There's a layer of numbness in my arm and little pins and needles on the pads of my fingers. At least the floaty feeling is gone (my forearm kept floating up...)

We're working on the spaces (the final spaces?) to allow me to open myself up completely in my favorite pose.

It's the middle of a hot Saturday afternoon. Grocery shopping is done and I made my mushroom cream penne pasta for late lunch. Next time, I will add a drizzle of truffle oil.

Now, to go back to The Palace of Illusions...

P.S. Oh, GK's boracay retreat got cancelled. Was this my sweet Ganesha's answer?
P.P.S. (a few minutes later) but he'll be here this month!! It is Ganesha's answer!!

G is for Ganesha, G is for Govinda

Hello, dearest Ganesha? It's me, Nature...

Govinda is coming to town weekend after next and I really want to go. But it's a four-day leave and an arm and a leg.

How do I go about this? Will you let me? Oh, please let me...

Vakratunda mahakaya...

Mats Ado About Nothing

But still...

Today,  I finally got my special fruit roll up mat. It takes up a few more tiles in my little practice space but I am happy to be on it.  

P.S. I still have my very first mat, a thin grey nike mat from 2001 that I bought from my very first beloved yoga teacher, Anna for P750. It's the mat I used for over 3 years of Hatha Vinyasa Flow. Then I got a purple generic yoga mat from Toby's. I alternated this with a thin blue Nike mat (that came with two blocks and a strap) for the Jagad and Hatha days. Last year, I got an adidas double sided mat that I wore out in YT after 30 days of practicing twice (sometimes 3 times) a day. I left it with Veronique who insisted it was still good. Then A. got me another double sided nike one for Christmas. It's almost worn out as well. A. and the kids still use the older mats.

Thoughts on a Sunday Night (March 7, 2010)

The day wound down nicely despite my never getting used to having another work week between me and my little boy. He had fun doing a video commentary of me practicing. I hadn't realized till much later on. It sounded a bit like the Crocodile Hunter videos...me being the crocodile. A. cooked his special vegetarian tempura that I love so much and we spent the afternoon lounging around in bed, playing hide and seek and well, teaching Yzzy to sit and say Om.

Yni still has his sty but it's getting better. By late afternoon, we rounded up the gang to hear mass. Sunday evenings are still painful for me after all this time. I was quiet on the way home. A. made us a bowl of salad for dinner then I went straight to my book. Edward Scissorhands was showing. I'm not yet half way through The Palace of Illusions but I truly am relishing the story. Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni is such a gifted storyteller and already I am feeling inspired to read the Gita again.

My reading time was set aside though. A. invited me for a Sunday night swim to wash away the sizzling afternoon. The water was cold at first but we both warmed up after a while. We were planning the next surf trip and just horsing around the pool, doing jump backs at the shallow side (now if only I can lift as easily without the water...)

It wasn't a starry night but we saw the Big Dipper. I loved the alone time with A.

Hmmm...now that this entry is almost done, it seems like this was more for the other blog. I do repeat certain stories in both. I wonder if it's sustainable to have two with intersecting stories. Or would they naturally merge into one. Maybe it doesn't matter.

Time to read a few more pages from the eyes of Panchaali. Tomorrow, another work week begins. Exhale, Inhale...

Oh, and the ten day countdown to 32 begins.

Saturday Simile: As Happy as Kurmasana

I practiced at Yoga Manila this morning. I was so happy in my Kurmasana and Supta Kurmasana. (Thanks, Jon!) Just like I am so happy to be in my little home on a Saturday. Playing with the kids and just being near my hubby and going through my books to read and thinking of what to make for dinner...

I made tofu pesto with two kinds of basil, handpicked from my little pots of herbs on the terrace, and, well, we ordered Jollibee for my big boy. I should really wean him from fast food.

But back to my Saturday Simile. It's not always easy to be home with chores and children and chants of hon and mom and what's for dinner. There are little (and sometimes, big) home made stresses on my back but my home is my happy place and Saturdays are family celebrations.

And so my asana of the day is an apt parallel.