I sat in one place today. Read and read and wrote and wrote and hoped that I remember what matters most. First, the heart then the remembrance then the articulation and all the while, the commitment, the action.
Such is love.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Where is the Yoga?
You ask,
you have to ask sometimes,
Where is the Yoga?
Unbelievable how easy it is
To lose
The most beautiful parts of our life
And ourselves
In ourselves;
To lose... just to keep searching.
you have to ask sometimes,
Where is the Yoga?
Unbelievable how easy it is
To lose
The most beautiful parts of our life
And ourselves
In ourselves;
To lose... just to keep searching.
Easily, I think it is tattooed
Beneath our skin
When the meaning, then,
wanted to pierce
And bleed and heal.
It is tucked in the corners
Of your eyes.
Or the silence at the end of each Om.
Or that inexplicable, mystical swirling,
Or the happy laughter
You may not know
you bring.
Or else,
Beneath your steely eyes
When you draw the shutters close
To hide such a gentle, gentle spirit,
For a few moments.
It is in the discipline you exact
When you believe you have mellowed
and in the Purity
Of that idealism
That you say is cracked
(but I prefer faceted, bejeweled
So that it shines brighter.)
Or when you see us.
It is somewhere between
The humility and sincerity
Of our most perfect
(yet so imperfect) alignment;
On the brink of a meltdown,
Or the miraculous end of our trembling,
Or in that speck of space that took
Six whole months to open.
It is in the eyes of the students
And teachers
You will never claim
But are truly yours
Because Yoga is the connection,
Isn't it?
Never lost and ever found
Like breath.
Is breath.
But you have to ask sometimes,
Where is the Yoga?
And in the same breath,
may you, dear Teacher,
Always, always find it.
As you promised.
(Nov 28 while studying for the exam in the Dining Hall. I highly doubt
this question will be part of our exam....)
Friday, November 27, 2009
Pratyahara
And so what do I do
when I am pulled (or am I pulling?)
relentlessly
As the earth is to the sun
Or the tides rising and falling
with the moon's temperament?
when I am pulled (or am I pulling?)
relentlessly
As the earth is to the sun
Or the tides rising and falling
with the moon's temperament?
You may say with bright eyes
Smiling
That they are wise
to keep a safe space
of a few million miles.
I know.
So when this body twists
towards You or turns away
only to return, sinking deeper,
My breath, my grounding will hold me in place.
But my drishti will not deceive me.
Have I failed pratyahara?
When the energy rises and escapes these senses,
I breathe them back in
Deeply into my spine,
but it reaches up;
into my heart,
yet it lifts;
Trying, infinitesimally,
To be closer to You.
And what of this impermanence
of moments
Beaded by breath?
Although slow and steady,
Sometimes, it seeks
to follow Yours.
I think I understand though.
I cannot build my bridge to come
any nearer
nor build a fortress
to hold back
this exchange of a billion brilliant lights swirling around us
In however many lifetimes
We could not remember.
I understand only this:
There is no need to want
to be One.
I know
We already are.
(Nov 28, In the morning after a rather sleepless night. Room 8 Yoga Thailand)
Day 22 (Nov 27)
As I walked towards the shala, I wondered what it was that brought me here, now. I know my reasons but what of the reasons i do not know yet. There is that peaceful curiosity.
It's so peaceful here in the morning. That's why I wake up so early even here. So I can have some space for quiet. It is difficult to silence people, even in quiet time. I love the silence and aloneness as much I love words, talk and laughter. I cannot live without both and I need them both in my Samasthithi. More often, though, over the years I feel the need for longer moments of silence. I watched Paul having his dinner by the pool a couple of times. I imagine he must want to be quiet too.
I'm starting to feel the sadness of leaving.
***
The Urdvha Danurasana. I used to do this pose relatively well. After a series of heartbreaks, I folded the drama neatly and put them away where I will not have to see them ever again. There will be no venue and I will never place myself in a situation to go deeper than the words in my storybook. The words will be deep enough and no one will guess the true depth of emotions for those heartbreaks. For some reason, I threw in some heart opening poses along with the pain. I learned this from Neil. Our issues are stored somewhere in the body. Hips are mommy and daddy issues, ankles for direction in life, knees for the will....
My pose for the day Urdvha Danurasana. It opens up the heart, the entire front of the body, exposing all vulnerability.
So today, while I was hiding under the bridge in decent below average backbends (waist bending!), Paul asked me to do this against the wall. I was given the honor of practicing against the wall despite my rather mediocre bending. (Paul says there's a certain readiness he intuitively sees). No ego here. I just like being instructed. :)
As we were setting me up, Paul asked me how I was, asked if I was married, with children, how old they are. Normal, Caesarean. Told me his wife went through the same thing. Then intuitively, strangely, he said I'm a good mom. That I'm good and I had the flow and was connected to my practice. I forget the other words... But i did feel so strongly connected. Then he continued to help me with my bridge, got me blocks. I did a few more repetitions on my own. And felt something. Somethings. Like five different giant sleeping citta vrittis and a few enormous ones I've been ignoring all trying to pummel out of my heart all the while, keeping arms and legs strong, wrists against the wall, chest against the wall.
I had my meltdown by Padmasana and stayed there a while. Paul was about to begin his practice and I lay slightly trembling in Savasana.
What was it? It was the neatly folded heart stuff, the energy and a myriad of other feelings that came when my chest hit the wall. I should coin that as an alternative to shit hitting the fan.
After practice, I sat with Neil. He sensed the emotions. He is a wonderful teacher too. Beautiful and sometimes jaded. Often, funny but there is a quietness about him that comes from darker places. I'm glad to have shared some meals with him. He has stories to share.
With Paul, there is this energy. Like I've known him for a while from somewhere. Or that he knows me? His manner, humor, words are just so very familiar to me. It's very strange.
I feel so strongly a connection to these two beautiful teachers.
We finished our Philosophy of Yoga today. I had to ask Paul what he meant by his definition of Pratyahara. Energy isn't coming out of your senses anymore. He answered my question. What you pay attention to grows.
During the asana study, we talked about Shirhsasana and the rest of the closing mudras. Build capacity for Shirhsasana one breath at a time. This makes sense to me and applies to almost anything that turns my world upside down.
Our last session today was a sample class of what we will teach in our assessment. It was a fun class and we were served to the mosquitoes by the time we were "resting"
It's so peaceful here in the morning. That's why I wake up so early even here. So I can have some space for quiet. It is difficult to silence people, even in quiet time. I love the silence and aloneness as much I love words, talk and laughter. I cannot live without both and I need them both in my Samasthithi. More often, though, over the years I feel the need for longer moments of silence. I watched Paul having his dinner by the pool a couple of times. I imagine he must want to be quiet too.
I'm starting to feel the sadness of leaving.
***
The Urdvha Danurasana. I used to do this pose relatively well. After a series of heartbreaks, I folded the drama neatly and put them away where I will not have to see them ever again. There will be no venue and I will never place myself in a situation to go deeper than the words in my storybook. The words will be deep enough and no one will guess the true depth of emotions for those heartbreaks. For some reason, I threw in some heart opening poses along with the pain. I learned this from Neil. Our issues are stored somewhere in the body. Hips are mommy and daddy issues, ankles for direction in life, knees for the will....
My pose for the day Urdvha Danurasana. It opens up the heart, the entire front of the body, exposing all vulnerability.
So today, while I was hiding under the bridge in decent below average backbends (waist bending!), Paul asked me to do this against the wall. I was given the honor of practicing against the wall despite my rather mediocre bending. (Paul says there's a certain readiness he intuitively sees). No ego here. I just like being instructed. :)
As we were setting me up, Paul asked me how I was, asked if I was married, with children, how old they are. Normal, Caesarean. Told me his wife went through the same thing. Then intuitively, strangely, he said I'm a good mom. That I'm good and I had the flow and was connected to my practice. I forget the other words... But i did feel so strongly connected. Then he continued to help me with my bridge, got me blocks. I did a few more repetitions on my own. And felt something. Somethings. Like five different giant sleeping citta vrittis and a few enormous ones I've been ignoring all trying to pummel out of my heart all the while, keeping arms and legs strong, wrists against the wall, chest against the wall.
I had my meltdown by Padmasana and stayed there a while. Paul was about to begin his practice and I lay slightly trembling in Savasana.
What was it? It was the neatly folded heart stuff, the energy and a myriad of other feelings that came when my chest hit the wall. I should coin that as an alternative to shit hitting the fan.
After practice, I sat with Neil. He sensed the emotions. He is a wonderful teacher too. Beautiful and sometimes jaded. Often, funny but there is a quietness about him that comes from darker places. I'm glad to have shared some meals with him. He has stories to share.
With Paul, there is this energy. Like I've known him for a while from somewhere. Or that he knows me? His manner, humor, words are just so very familiar to me. It's very strange.
I feel so strongly a connection to these two beautiful teachers.
We finished our Philosophy of Yoga today. I had to ask Paul what he meant by his definition of Pratyahara. Energy isn't coming out of your senses anymore. He answered my question. What you pay attention to grows.
During the asana study, we talked about Shirhsasana and the rest of the closing mudras. Build capacity for Shirhsasana one breath at a time. This makes sense to me and applies to almost anything that turns my world upside down.
Our last session today was a sample class of what we will teach in our assessment. It was a fun class and we were served to the mosquitoes by the time we were "resting"
I capped the day by swimming (alone), going to the steam room and spending some percussion time in the shala.
Tomorrow, I will study.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Day 21 (Nov 26)
I didn't wake up early to practice. Today is my assisting and "mock" teaching day. Assisting went well, according to my pseudo students, the adjustments were very helpful. I got to practice after and Neil put me in my shell (in Supta Kurmasana again). I hope I get the hang of that before I leave.
My teaching class was okay. I find I have become so very gentle. Ashtanga should be good to stoke more fire. Or do I hold the fire in?
Today we learned more about backbends. Tomorrow, I will put this in my practice.
Tratak and Chanting tonight but I did not get my spirals. My thoughts are on the sessions today. Just letting the mind replay the scenes.
My teaching class was okay. I find I have become so very gentle. Ashtanga should be good to stoke more fire. Or do I hold the fire in?
Today we learned more about backbends. Tomorrow, I will put this in my practice.
Tratak and Chanting tonight but I did not get my spirals. My thoughts are on the sessions today. Just letting the mind replay the scenes.
Day 20 (Nov 25)
I love Pranayama. Imagine that. I really do. We had a very interesting discussion on this and as with our usual sessions with Paul, I'm just drinking in all the learning. He gave us a sheet to assess the Pranayama practice we will take with us back home. He has been doing pulse readings during our sessions. I wonder what else he can read when he takes our pulse.
I think it's wonderful that he has a guru to learn from and connect deeply. For the serious students, this is a gift. I wanted to talk to him and Neil about being "adopted" as a more long term student but I have not gotten the chance to do so.
I really want to go to Tiwariji's two week workshop in January. How do I do this?
Practice was good today. I've been placed happily in my shell in Supta Kurmasana.
I also finally swam in the sea. Tomorrow, I teach.
I think it's wonderful that he has a guru to learn from and connect deeply. For the serious students, this is a gift. I wanted to talk to him and Neil about being "adopted" as a more long term student but I have not gotten the chance to do so.
I really want to go to Tiwariji's two week workshop in January. How do I do this?
Practice was good today. I've been placed happily in my shell in Supta Kurmasana.
I also finally swam in the sea. Tomorrow, I teach.