Re-mix

After over a year, I am back in the shala, back in Arne's class and I am so very happy.

In a magical turn of events, I find myself in Manila in my annual yoga retreat. I had hoped to be in Bali but circumstances have kept me here. I was devastated for a few minutes learning I could not leave. Two minutes later, saw this post.

Now, I could not be happier.

I have a handful of teachers who have grown with me over years of practice. Arne is one of them. I am so glad to be home in our Yoga Manila shala. 

This is Arne "re-mixed" and we had a beautiful long talk about it. Same, same yet different. I know what he means.

Our practice is a process and what we show, what is seen or heard are snap shots, point in time perspectives . What we are, what we teach, what we receive is a flow. What we give flows, too. We change, we gather experience, and here we are, not quite the same. 

Tat Tvam Asi.

The stories we tell...

I've started a new blog at www.yogawithnature.net

I'm bringing some of the old stories and telling some new ones, too. So maybe I will see you there. 

Nov 27

On my second to the last day here, I finally am coming back into my practice reintroducing the 2nd series... Laghu is still on leave but that's fine. We will take all the time we need. My strength continues to grow.

It started to rain hard here in Samadi. The downpour feels something like how I feel inside and after, the air seems cleaner and the sky is clearer.

Today too, I had my very first cranio sacral therapy with Jacques and it was very interesting. I got sensations of waves and rocking and colors. Over the past days, there has been more compassion and forgiveness in this space. I had finished reading Radical Forgiveness, too.

For dinner, Marika, Damien and I headed to Green Ginger. Surprisingly, I slept so well.

I know I am ready to go home. I do not know where I am in my LifeWork process though. I am just trusting...

November 28

And so here I am, on the very last day of this trip. It doesn't feel as if I am leaving but I feel a stirring somewhere.

My last practice felt so full of energy. Damien made me do Kapotasana. That's my coming home gift, I suppose.

Day 10 (Nov 22): Italian Dinner

Ah, Italian Dinner was great. Lots of fun in the prep.

I realized though I must be alone tonight and the dogs started barking...

November 24

This may be the last practice with Rose and Simon. Or not.  It depends.

Marika was not in the shala this morning. I think with the soul pouring came a natural detoxification. That or she must have eaten something bad. I'm fine though.

Day 11 (November 23): Betelnut Cafe

Sunday at Samadi Bali. Of course, the day begins with practice. Yude brought his amp today to play during the Sunday market. Seems to not be as busy as the previous one. Maybe because Jacques and Lente and some of the kids aren't here...

For some reason, I felt so tired today that as I lay in bed, I wanted to almost beg off from my dinner with Marika. She was feeling tired too so we ended up going to Betelnut Cafe. I liked the veggie burger and the burritos. Rather than go to Deus, we ended up going back to my place and we talked for another 5 hours.  I am amazed at the things we all go through alone and in the best moments find someone with whom you can share stories. This time next week, our days will be vastly different from these. We will be in different places and we will make decisions.

In the outpouring of citta vrittis, we find friendships. 

November 25

One of the things I love about this place is the chance to be together and catch the funniest conversations in the eating area.  Aside from the post practice group, I also have the "work" group here. Strangely enough, everyone here is working in design, communications, marketing, creative production. There's the team putting together stuff for this space, two freelancers and there's me. We sit and work together in the afternoon post practice for a couple of hours. I am inspired to work this way and feeling so much that push to take another monumental leap in another direction.

Today's practice is the last one with Simon and Rose. Damien arrived yesterday night and practiced behind me in the shala. So much movement going on at this crossroad. I am watching myself quietly too.

In the afternoon, I showed Yude my version of Moon River. Unfortunately, Cat Power's Sea of Love and Sade's Sweetest Gift isn't ready yet. I guess this will have to be self taught. But I can tune my Yudelele now - ADG / CEA. So that's good.

I hope I didn't disturb Pol and Matt too much with the longest ever version of the classic. Soon enough, I will be a pro. :)

The days are good. And life is good. My last few days in Bali.

November 26

It was another full Wednesday and I feel the energies are shifting. I had my first class under Damien. Simon and Rose are preparing for the next chapter in Tiruvannamalai (where I would love to go). Marika is preparing for Thailand. I am preparing to come home to my family. Strangely enough, I am still very much here.

It is raining again in Bali. The heat is now broken by a cool breeze that comes in every so often though not often enough during the day.

My practice under Damien felt good despite my lack of sleep. Simon and Rose have prepared me with exactly what I need and now I am being led how my practice will be when I get home. I have complete trust in this process. What I need to do is to bring that process off the mat and into where I am now. It is not surprising that I am re-thinking my place and my work...

After practice, we had a discussion on perspectives in teaching styles, safety, balance, alignment, the roles of teachers and the semantics we use in the journey that is Yoga. Move too fast and you get hurt, get the head purely on alignment and you are stuck. This kind of discussion is not in reference to only the body, this is the pattern of our minds. The asana practice sheds light on how we truly are. So much work needs to be done and yet we are exactly where we are and nowhere else. We ask the question on who is observing? for what?

In the end, we speak from our own cycles and experience and pass on what we know in hopes of being understood.  We offer. And then at some point, we also have to trust that each student has their own journey. Ah, it is difficult to capture the big things with such finite words and our own filters.

- - -

In the afternoon, I continued to read Radical Manifestation by Colin C. Tipping and had a Body Work session with Damien. It was very good. The circular movements were relaxing and freeing.

No Yudelele class today but I do need to practice. Bangko-Bangko (the model I now have) has such a sweet sustaining sound.

In the evening, we had really good vegetarian sushi and miso soup. It's my last Wednesday movie night, The Bucket List was on. I am thankful for the things crossed off my list.

Radical Changes

That is what needs to happen. I feel it now. Radical changes. Not so much in the circumstance, but in the ways I am growing.

I need a full life that allows everything that matters to happen. Here are the lessons from the mat that need to happen outside of it. 

Ground more solidly from the root. 

"Do not go too far, too fast."

Do not take on more than you are ready for.

Breathe. Really breathe into the places that need it the most.

Be strong on your hands. (Pressing the hands doesn't mean straightening the arms).

---

I need to put myself more out there without fear.

I embrace the limitations I now have because I know they will one day disappear.

I am not afraid to be my entire self. I will stop cowering.

Radical balance. 

I am tired of being in the shadows and believing I belong there.

Serve wholeheartedly from wherever you are, in all ways you know how, from all the gifts you have been given. Serve from all your dimensions, regardless of the lack you or anyone else might perceive. Do not over analyse, but more importantly, do not be fazed.

New Moon in May

Maybe I will not tire of trying again. Maybe that is my where my strength lies, not so much in endurance but in resilience. I will keep trying even when I no longer want to.

In this new moon, I am reflecting on the seemingly important things that have been set aside in my life to make way for whatever needs to happen at the moment. If one trusts in the process, one might say - this is exactly where I am supposed to be. I am in that precarious state of allowing and I breathe through my own impatience.

There are a million things to be done but only one at a time, in as many lifetimes as it takes.

Day 6: Breakthrough

The breakthroughs we have come in many surprising forms. Today and these days, I am learning a new wave of things for Urdvha Danurasana. The heart is open and now I need to build more strength than ever. The process has been tremendous work but so very nurturing.

Almost halfway through my stay here and I finally, for the first time, I rode a motorbike with my friend, Marika (she drove, I just sat there half screaming joy). We rode past rice fields on narrow stone paths, dirt roads, a church, villas and finally our late lunch destination - Green Ginger.

We met Simon and Rose, our teachers, for a late lunch as us girls lost track of time chatting after practice. So under the heat of the sun and without showering yet, there we were.

I ordered vegetarian wanton and was so happily surprised to have tasted my very first, really delicious vegetarian xiao long bao! So good!

After that, I had my first guitar session with Yude. I am deciding between Ubud and Canggu (check out www.yudelele.com). And for the first time, I am plucking strings on my re-acquainted D and A chords. I also learned a cool bending technique (cool for beginners like me, that is!)

That night, I practiced a bit more, got some office work done (yes, I do not stop), read a bit more and slept. These are intense heart-working days.

I am loving it.

Day 5: Sunday

Oh my sweet practice, I feel you now. I am working from the very, very beginning.

- - -

Sunday mornings are lively here. There's a small market and I got to meet some very interesting people. :)

Yude Andiko who created the Yudelele traveling guitar, Obed Abbo, young founder of Passion Compass and a bunch of other folks. So now I am thinking of getting myself a traveling guitar and attending a Passion Compass workshop.

Day 4: Rest Day

Saturday is still rest day here.

I passed up the chance to go trekking to Mt. Batur with some of the folks here. It would have been awesome to watch the sunrise from its peak. Instead, I am nursing this cold, reading my books and going through some active introspection. Not bad for a rest day.

I am reflecting on what is manifesting now in my practice and all the aids that are being generously offered my way to refresh me on my path.

In doubt, the gifts along the way encourage me.

Day 3: Compromise

Today's practice is so much work as I move into gaining the strength and space for what really is sometimes a compromise on the integrity of spine and real rootedness in my hips.

Despite the sincere (hard)work put in, I do not feel the strain in the aftermath that I have been accustomed to feeling after an intense practice. All I feel is the work that I need to do and the strength that needs to be built.

I could flow into the usual practice where I seemingly go into the showcase of asanas built over the years - or I can review each one in sumptuous exploration and really experience the internal workings with deeper awareness. For the past months I have been thinking about the inconsistency of the quality of my practice - despite its regularity. I also now feel the elusiveness of those that I have already been working on. This must be the time to go back and retrace my steps.

How much have I really compromised over the years?

Day 2: Tapasvini

My practice since I got here has created so much space but in an expansive, "pain-free" way. I am returning to such root words such as integrity of the spine, openness...


Yesterday's official Day 1 (I practiced some days before too but moon days and cycle days gave me a happy resting time) brought so much re-collection. The intensity of the tapas at work showed up this morning when I spent the earlier part of the morning "detoxing..."

Hence, I came in to class late because I needed to rest and allow some Reiki to help the process but in perfect time, I was ready in time before the last call. Yoga Chikitsa is at work and apart from some minor discomfort I was able to complete my practice and my Pranayama.

In this time of my journey, I am more introspective. My days consist of morning practice of asana and pranayama. I get myself a coconut or two, wash clothes and take a bit of rest while catching up on work email (yes, I do), chat with my family, write my practice notes, and read. I then get my brunch and have some conversations with the lovely community here. That's more than half the day already. I then sit in Vipassana meditation at the shala and do my study. I am re-connecting with the Yoga Sutra Samadhipadah. Apt since I am in Samadi Bali. :)

I then spend some time writing here in lieu of the sunset I miss seeing.

With this "detoxing," I now seem to have colds, too and so I have holed up in my room with my AC off to just quietly reflect on the clear message of these days. And the Tapas.

For easy reference, I just picked up Tapas from the Wiki but the definition and explanations abound in Yoga and Ayurveda books...

In the yogic tradition it is the fire that burns within that is needed for the sanyasi to achieve the very difficult goal of enlightenment, to foster self-control, one mindedness and focus, simplicity, wisdom, integrity. It is used to develop and discipline the body, mind and character; control of mind; satisfaction of all desires - through discipline of body, correct speech, telling only the truth, correct thought, non violence, correct action, love for all, devotion to God, developing the ability to remain tranquil and balanced in every situation, act without any selfish motive or thought of reward, with an unshakable faith in God.

So then I must be a tapasvini which also apparently means "poor, miserable woman" but really, I am just practicing sweet austerities during this precious time.

***

It also started raining in this part of Bali since I first got here. I take that to be a good sign.

Day 1: Re-learning (and it never ends)

Ah, my poor neglected blog. In the advent of micro-blogging and Instagram, I have not been diligent in posting here. It takes time and thought and while I've had much the of latter, I was rather protective of the former.

Yet here I am again.

Since I started this blog and recommitted to my yoga practice, I have been taking time off every year to visit teachers - mostly in Thailand and finally in India, to learn and to experience the dimensions of my practice. For the past year, I stayed home and I have been fortunate to have beautiful teachers come to Manila.

My life took strange turns and this then was naturally reflected in my practice. This is what would appropriately be hash tagged as #Throwback2009, I am relearning everything that I was given because somewhere along the way, I evolved, took on more, took on less.

This practice of Yoga and Life has given me today, the beginning of re-learning. This time in Samadi Bali. I am so thankful to my husband for allowing this to unfold even in my own uncertainty. I am in the company of beautiful teachers - Simon and Rose and they are making me remember everything I seem to have lost along the way

I have some beautiful notes in a notebook on things I am learning. I do not know why I am not writing them here. Maybe it is also a reflection of what I am today, fragmented. I am not distraught though. I am just allowing the pieces to come back together.

Sunday Reading

Every so often, we look for clues or reminders. Here's mine today.

The means of transformation resides within me. Preparation. Physical rest. ⭐️ Personal Freedom can be found in sacrifice. ⭐️ Connect with Om. Inspiration, Success. ⭐️

The Grief of Trees

Here it is

The grief of trees

Torn by the limb

Into a scattering

Of leaves,

Of roots that could not stand

A chance against the shaking.

The almighty 

Wind does that sometimes,

a random act 

Of kindness

That we will someday 

understand 

If we could outlast

Our self made storms.

Reflections after typhoon Glenda, July 2014

Class photo with Tim Feldmann (May 2014)